Monday, June 15, 2009

Never Take Three Kids To Walmart

Sorry I've been absent lately. I've been on vacation. No I haven't! Dang it, I haven't!

While I've been away, some things have happened. Some important vows, which I hope you'll remind me I made, if some devil of a person or child tries to tempt me to break them.

The first:
I promise never to attend a wedding reception with my three kids ever again in my life. Unless, you know, it is the reception of my brother or dear cousin or something.

The second:
I'll never go to Walmart with Julian (and those others too) ever again. Ever ever ever ever ever ever again.

Because whenever I think, or am persuaded to think, that I'll be okay and that by some happy chance this time there won't be a long line at the reception, or that some angel will be giving out otter pops at the end of each aisle, all the while blocking Parley's view of every Lightning McQueen car that screams out, "I could be yours you know, Parley," I am wrong. Everytime I'm wrong!

I made the second vow tonight, after Julian refused to sit in the cart and insisted on being held the entire time at Walmart. Being held was still not enough, and he cried until I fed him tastes of everything in the cart. He ate raspberry after raspberry and wiped his berry red staining hands on my white shirt. I came away with lots of groceries, but I somehow think I missed most of what I needed. Parley's desperate need to go to the bathroom and Julian's desperate need to infuriate caused me to hurry in a very unproductive way. So, with a leaking box of Otter Pops (you couldn't have paid me to go back and trade it) in the trunk and a whole bunch of who knows what else, we drove home.

Some things that were said on our way home:
Parley: Do we have to go to bed today?
Hazel: Why can't we get a treat?
Jed: You guys are all lucky because Daddy feels like committing a horrible, violent crime, but I'm just too tired.

Reducing the world's crime rate, one vow at a time.


Anonymous said...


Please share the recipe for Jed's Oatmeal Cookies that you are eating and loving. They are making my mouth water everytime I read your blog. Please...


Lindsey said...

Oh. Shopping with the kids. Everytime we go to our local grocer (Publix) I have to just pray that the awful shopping cart that looks like a racecar is there for Deacon to be happy. The racecar cart (or buggy, as called here in FL) that is near IMPOSSIBLE, not to mention EMBARASSING to push! Ahh! I no likey shopping.

emily k. smith said...

I always say that if you want to see a child being beaten you should go to walmart. Five years ago I would feel bad for the poor kids who were getting reamed. Now I just feel bad for the parents.

I have vowed never to go to walmart period. It makes me feel dirty - in more ways than one.

Heather said...

My worst was when Kacen was a baby and I had to go to the store by myself with three children. Walmart with a toddler, preschooler and a baby. Baby needing to be fed, so I was strapped down to a bench while the other two were running ramped. The children pushing the cart around while I was on the bench, the tantrums that they had, throwing things out of the cart, opening things that hadn't been purchased yet, and the messes! And the trips to the store with those three taking three hours. Enough to drive me nuts! Those experiences are why I am afraid to go to the store with a newborn now.

Really Jayne I don't blame you for not wanting to go with your children.

Anonymous said...

As someone who has no kids and will not go to wally world because there are a million kids running around unsupervised...I thank you for not going.

Rebecca said...

This makes me laugh, because I know exactly how you feel. My kids often make me feel the same way. Not only that, but the same conversations happen on the way home from the store, although I am usually the one who is about the commit the violent crime all while trying to drive home with tear filled eyes.

I have to have backup to go shopping.

Adrienne said...

Jayne, you crack me up as usual. Anonymous up there is kind of a jerk, huh. I hope someday he or she has to attempt walmart with children and then possibly will understand that it is hell on earth. And that even the very very best of parents can not control every move their kids make. It brings out the worst in us all, parents and kids alike. It's probably the cheapness that does it. They make up the difference in prices by collecting human souls and selling them to the devil. Somehow Target is not nearly as bad, though, and they're pretty cheap too. I can't explain it.

So, if your white shirt has berry stains all over it, here is what you do: drape the stained parts over a colander and put that colander in the sink. Boil water in a tea kettle or something else that's easy to pour from. Then pour the boiling water directly on the stains from at least 12 to 18 inches above the stain. The heat and force totally obliterate the stain. It's my favorite magical laundry trick and it gets out all berry stains, including tomatoes. Now that I live in the pacific northwest, home of the wild blackberry, I have to know these things. And sharing laundry tips makes me feel like a happy little homemaker! Good luck.

megan said...

Top 3 worst things in life:

--Taking kids to Walmart
--Taking a kid/kids to the bathroom at Walmart

Sorry, Jayne. I was, upon reading your post, going to suggest that next time you should make Jed go with you. But then I read all the way to the bottom. Bother Walmart.

Anonymous said...

Yikes! That anonymous is quite disturbed.
I had to write again because tonight I ventured to Wal Mart. I loathe going to wal Mart, but I do so because of the cheap prices. I forgot that it's summer break and there were kids everywhere @ 9pm. I have no clue where these kids get their energy. I want just a fraction of it as I am sitting here yawning. Yawn!
Anyways, there was this poor mother of 3 in line in front of me. One kid was screaming bloody murder, one was in every candy bar box in the aisle and the other was running in and out of the doors, making them open and close, which thrilled the elderly greeter! I felt horrible so I offered to help with the little ones so she could go grab the one from the door. I was holding the screaming kid, when I heard (and felt!) the worst blow out happening in my arms.

I have to tell you that I have no kids (yet!) but I am quite experienced at changing diapers, etc. There was no helping this kid. It was everywhere! On the floor, on me, on my groceries.

That poor mother. She felt horrible and offered to pay for my dry cleaning, etc. I laughed at the fact that she thinks I dry clean my Old Navy yoga pants and Gap Tee. haha!

Anyways, thinking of you and all the moms who have cute, normal, fussy, happy, hungry, whiny, kissable kids. :) One day, I will understand the meltdowns mothers have in the wal mart parking lot. :) This lovely mother was sobbing her eyes out as I was leaving. All I could so is offer her one ounce of wisdom: that is the fastest way to get an extra checkout to open @ Wal Mart! :) What a day! I am off to the shower with a bucket of bleach!
Kim :)

emily k. smith said...

By the way Jayne, I think it would be AWESOME to wear a tight leotard and cape. AWESOME!!!! No contest on that would-you-rather.

jayniemoon said...

I have so many comments for so many of you! You are all cracking me up!
Linds--I swear whoever invented that car "buggy" (Floridans!) will eventually have to meet the devil.
Kim-You are an angelic soull! You are the nice lady I was talking about handing out otter pops at the end of the aisles! Hope the poop came off okay!
Adrienne-Thanks for the tip! When did you move?

jayniemoon said...

Oh and if I looked so smokin' in a tight leotard and cape Em, I'd be donning that everyday too.

Still laughing at that first comment.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I am officially poop free this morning. I did, however, dream all night long for that poor mother. One day, I will understand her tears. Until then, me and her kids poop drove home where my dear husband and I had a good laugh at her expense. Then I made him hose me off and clean the seats in my Jeep! :)

emlizalmo said...

AMEN...I make the same vow. Kids + Walmart = freaking misery.

ali said...

why's everyone mad at anonymous? I don't blame him.

too many kids...and out here at our sleezy walmart there is more white trash than you can shake a stick at. I've thought about taking my camera and documenting the things I've seen, but it is too disturbing for my lovely blog.

Anonymous said...

Jaynie, I have a new "would you rather" for you:

Would you rather:
Endulge in the best bag of "bottlecaps" from Wonka?

I bet you can guess which I chose. My favorites are the brown ones!

jayniemoon said...

Bottle caps! 7 times a day more! I do like the brown rootbeer ones. Rootbeer flavored things are always the best!

adriandgreg said...

I made that vow awhile ago except I only have two kids! Hehe...I have a feeling I will be home a lot as I add to the nest with 3! I will have to read your blog often for inspiration. :)