Sunday, August 30, 2009

Jed Said...(for a whole post!)

I asked Jed to be a guest blogger today. This is what he said:

It's been a month or so since I caved and did the whole Facebook thing. Maybe it's been two-- ask Natalie Simpson. It was a professional decision. I couldn't admit to yet another client that I was entirely Facebook-ignorant. When such a thing adds itself to the very lexicon of speech and social order, it's hard to avoid it and maintain an air of professionalism. (Have I rationalized that enough? Did it sound rushed?)

And while there is value in discovering how passing acquaintances from high school have matured, I find that the most interesting element of this social networking phenomenon is the simple question, "What's on your mind?" Since no one can resist the question, and I, too, am convinced that everyone is interested in what's on my mind at any given moment (note: I am also a compulsive Twitter-er) I thought I'd share a few others here.

This is what's on my mind:

Jayne. Most of the time. (Pause for awww's)

I wish they'd decide yes or no on automated restroom appliances. Once and for all. How many times have I stood in front of a sink, waving my hands under the faucet expecting it to expel water, when what I need to do is lift the handle? And how much time have I wasted slapping and prodding at different corners of a paper towel dispenser with my dripping hands? Never sure if it's an automatic or a manual feed. There are so many varieties in makes and models, you never know which requires the twist of a nob or a magic word.
I was at Denny's recently (oh, shut up, you love the Moons Over My Hammy, too) and I went to wash my hands before the meal. They had a manually operated faucet but the soap dispenser was automatic (and it was that awful soap that is sweeping our troubled nation. The kind that doesn't smell like soap at all. You know the one. I'd seriously rather fish around in the toilet for a more pleasing aroma to take back to the table with me. Don't you hate that? You sit down and put your hands to your face and wretch. I swear this is the stuff Sinclair describes in The Jungle when the men slip and fall in the vats and get shipped out as soap.) So I'm already a little flustered when I get to the paper towel dispenser. I can't see a knob to turn so I thrust my hands under it and wait. I do it again, this time with a little more bravado, thinking exaggerated actions are more likely to trigger the machine.

It's at this point that I leave my body and see the scene as a third person observer. And it's hilarious: a sloppy, angry fellow with dripping hands, waits like an idiot in the middle of the night in front of an unresponsive, manually operated paper towel dispenser.

The conundrum of Kristen Stewart.
She's turned in a handful of really great performances outside of the Twilight circus. But what to make of her personality? *Groan*

Madsen Cycles.
Because I want one for Jayne and if I send them traffic, I have a chance at winning one. Please click on the link to the left!

The Boston Red Sox.

The kids.
And not just their day-to-day safety and whatnot. My concerns are broader, i.e., will Hazey's fear of the automated toilets at Wasatch (right, I'm back to this...) lead to more profound and lasting developmental issues? Will she be popular? And what of Pars and his inexhaustible love affair with what he finds in his nose? And I'm not even sure if Jules in my biological son-- he's just so beautiful.

The music of Paul Jacobsen and the Madison Arm.
A stellar collective of local artists, each wildly talented in their own right. Lead by the rusty-piped Mr. Jacobsen and filled-out by producer/guitar virtuoso Scott Wiley, Ryan Tanner who seems to be able to do freaking anything, and the inimitable Bishop Pat Campbell who anchors the songs in beats he creates on diverse and sundry discarded bass drums, suitcases and Brazilian tambourines. I spend much of my time humming their music either out loud or in my head. You can hear some of it here.

What do the kids in Eureka do for fun? Have you been to Eureka?
This photo has not been manipulated in any way.

That's pretty much it.

This is what that glazed look means when you ask me a question and I take a minute to respond. This is what those long pauses are on my end of the line when you call and ask me to make a picture for you. It's either this, or I'm imagining that if John Steinbeck came back from the dead, he'd likely want to hang around with me and Bradley Slade. And we'd go fishing and eat greasy food and I'd tell him again why I won't drink any of the beers he would certainly offer me.


Kim said...

So have you joined Facebook yet? Just kidding!

This post was great, but I should have had an entire cup of coffee before reading it. I might have to come back and reread it after lunch! :)

Happy Monday!

Sue said...

I clicked on the bike.


megan said...

When I was a kid I was excited to go to Eureka. I liked the ghost town look and we could find geodes. I bet the kids there have lots of geodes, because there isn't anything else to do.

Denny's? Really?

emily k. smith said...


emily k. smith said...

Actually, I wouldn't mind hanging out with you and John Steinbeck. I'd be really quiet, you wouldn't even know I was there. Plus my dad taught me how to gut a fish and I have never forgotten so I could even be a little helpful.

Wells said...

i'm with you on the bathroom situation. have you encountered those new hand dryers by dyson? those need to be standard. and while they're at it, i think they should standardize those credit card swiping directions everywhere.
"jed said" has a real ring to it!

nhsphoto said...

i agree about those crazy hand dryers. target has them now. wahoo! it's awesome to watch your hand skin blow around. you never thought the skin on your hand was so loose until you've tried one of those. also, jed, do you mean the pink soap? so nast. and i hate eureka. on sundays the kids hang out at the gas station. i went there a few times during our dreaded "zone" class to photograph. the whole town was at the gas station. enjoyed reading, as usual. you guys are hilarious. and hey, when is that stinkin bbq happening? did you have it without me? and i believe it was 2 months ago. ish.

nhsphoto said...

(jed joining facebook, that is)

Shana said...

Jed, I can't believe it but it is really true. On Sunday I went to see Grandma and Grandpa at their hotel in Park City. I was using the restroom at the hotel and lo and behold, the soap dispenser was an automatic one, and it sort of took me by surprise. But I got over that and stuck my hands under the tap and waited for a second and nothing happened. Did I need to wave my hands or something? NO! I finally realized I had to lift the handle! Why would you have automatic soap dispensers and not an automatic faucet? I often wonder if I'm on a hidden camera when things like this happen to me. And I also thought, well, probably some salesperson told them that they'd save money with the automatic soap dispenser because then the amount used is controlled. Maybe I should join twitter or whatever it is so I can post these mind-bending thoughts somewhere.

And if the kids in Eureka are like teenagers around here, it doesn't really matter what is in town because you can pretty much "hang out" anywhere.

Anonymous said...

Jed said...

for a whole post!

My life may now be complete.

jed said...

hahaha... geodes. when was the last time i said that word?

kim, are you saying you fell asleep while reading my post? that smarts.

ali said...

Ali Sessions DeGraff is personally offended that Jed is not her friend on facebook....and she just ate 3 cheeseburgers chased down with a large fry and diet coke.

ali said...


have you ever encountered pink powdered soap granules? the worst by far!

Kim said...

Jed, I did not fall asleep, but I had a hard time staying awake. Did you see what time it was???

4:57am. That is insane.

This post was great the second time around. I comprehended much more. :)

Sarah Burgoyne said...

I like this idea I think I'm going to have to have Will post on his thoughts.