Monday, October 19, 2009

A $39 Mess

A man came up to my door the other day, all sweaty and messy looking. I recognized him, he has been here before. In fact, he comes around every spring and fall, telling the same jokes, and reminding me of missions he pays for. Yes, I remember this man.
"Hi," I say.
"Do you remember me?" he asks.
"Yes, yes I do." I say. (Because I do.)
"Missions, missions, joke, joke, laugh-y, laugh-y, aerate your lawn."

Okay, I'm not a sucker for salespeople. For the most part, I can kindly say no:
"I'm so sorry, we can't afford it."
"I'm sorry, maybe another time."
"I'm sorry, I don't even get to read the magazines I already have."

Jed is a sucker for salesmen, (and infomercials--have I told you about the Total Gym?), so he always leaves them at the door for me. "Oh, hi! Let me get my wife!" Thanks Jed.

And really, isn't it funny that we pay people for aerating our lawn?
"Hello! You want to put holes all over my lawn and leave little poop-like clods of dirt on every square inch of the grass? Oh, and will those poop-like clods get muddy and stuck all over my kids' shoes? And then will they bring those poopy-mud shoes in my house and onto my mopped floor? Awesome! And it's only $39? Let me get my checkbook--don't you go anywhere!!"

I know, all you men out there are saying, "blah blah blah blah root system blah blah blah," but does anyone really have proof that those holes help anything? I swear it's all a hoax. A $39 hoax people play on us every spring and fall.

I paid the man to ruin my lawn. I tried not to, I am supposed to support the Young Men in our ward by letting them wreck it, but he reminded me that the Young Men only come in the spring, and that "as seen on the news, now is the best time to aerate your lawn." I ran out of excuses and I paid the man. He did give me the widow's price--that was nice. But, instead of getting a new pair of shoes, a nice dinner, or even a magazine subsciption with my $30, I got a yard full of poop-clods. Ahh, aeration.


jed said...

root systems.

Anonymous said...

Well said, Jed. :)
Ok Jayne...
Next time, tell the nice man to wait on the porch, call Katie and have her come up secretly (in through the back door), and out onto the porch to say, "Oh hi, I'm back...and NO I don't want you to aerate my lawn!"
Sometimes we need certain sisters for things like know for talking to carpet cleaner guys and Living Scripture video companies and stuff.
Now if my sisters or you call me, you would have two REALLY nice brooms made by the Handicapped Society....and light bulbs and door mats....and 2 whole issues of Oprah Magazine...(those were from the Jr. High School neighbor boy)
but not dirt clods at least. :)
You are so awesome Jayne. "The Total Gym" still takes the cake though. Cake crumbs are messy too...haha

Kim said...

I swear we are living the same life...minus the 3 kids.

I, too, have these poopy looking things all over my yard. The difference is Kevin did it himself. He went to the Home Depot (his closest form to heaven on earth!) and rented one for...wait for it...wait for it...$125. Yes, $100 more than you paid. I asked Kevin, does anyone really notice that you aerate? Really? And now, I have to pay the neighborhood kids to come clean up those poopy looking things and deposit them into my compost. Ugh.

Thanks for the laugh! :)

jayniemoon said...

oh Kim. Still dying about the $125. You need some scouts in your neighborhood looking for extra cash (although, let's be honest, do scouts ever do a totally awesome job?).

megan said...

Is that really your fall lawn in the picture? I think it looks like it is in the height of green spring lawn. Maybe the aeration is helping your root systems. I get it every spring (only 35 over here). Our lawn still doesn't look like that. Maybe I'll just go out to dinner instead.

Jen said...

I love your new header! I always say- wait for my husband to come home, then he comes home- answers the door and says let me get my wife. It is the "low income boy trying to be the first in his family going to college, will you order the newspaper?"

I feel singlehandedly responsible for him not going to college, and he might end up on the street, or maybe in prison. Isn’t it worth a $45 subscription?

Micah said...

Aww man, I want a yard full of poop clo...err, wait a minute, no I don't.

Lindsey said...

I'm SO glad people don't do that (aerate) here. I hate it.

Speaking of infomercials, Jayne, I saw last night "Snuggies for Dogs". I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I ordered the XS size for Love Bells. It's really meant for Chihuahua's but she won't know. Hope she likes it!

Lori said...

I think I had the same mission spill over at my house in the spring... how could I say, NO! I will NOT help your son serve a mission!! Oh man, I will be on to him this time around!

P.S. Yellowstone looked like lots of FUN!!! Cute pictures!

Lilly said...

Jayne! Jayne Clark Wells! It's me, Lilly Nielsen McDowell! I just found you through Josh Bingham's blog. That's right, I stalked you. I'd like to know what you think you're going to do about it. That's what I thought.

So, um your funny! Excellent! I need more hysterical blogs in my life. I read a blog this morning that was so long and boring that it made me throw up in my mouth. Just a little bit, but still.

Expect inappropriate comments from me from here on out. Love it!


p.s. When I was little I thought that aeration was dog droppings. Such an intelligent child.

jayniemoon said...

I love your purchases--2 whole issues of Oprah magazine is so awesome. Super awesome brooms (and might I add mop, that I use) and door mats. So funny. But yes, I think the Total gym wins in the end.
Lovebells can't wait! Snuggies for animals, a dream come true!

The Despot said...

p.s. those are not jayne's creepy man hands and that is not our verdant lawn in october. just another gift from a google images search.

Shana said...

Hmm, two comments. First, the only broom I own is one that my nieces bought for me as a real funny practical joke. Second, I saw a Snuggie (or snugglie or whatever the hell they are called) today at Smith's with an animal print called "Wild Snuggie."

ali said...

this is bringing back bad memories of when troy and I pushed around that big poop making machine for a whole season...earning money for our poor pockets and leaving hoaxed utahn's in our wake. you fell victim. i'm sorry.

sarah and james said...

so funny. I'd take the dinner out option next time. But maybe when your yard is a shrine compared to your nieghbors....that $39 will all be worth it. Great to see your family a few days ago.

Anonymous said...

If the "blah blah blah blah root system blah blah blah" explanation didn't convince you, I'll spare you my "blah blah blah blah tilth blah blah blah" speech.

Next Spring, save 50% by purchasing Jed a pair of these. In fact, I'm somewhat surprised he hasn't already purchased a pair from QVC.

The Despot said...


did buy them. they went back with the total gym.

wamfam said...

I read your blog today. found it via cjane. LAUGHED out loud and hard at the aerating story. Oh, so true. Poopy shoes, $39, and why?
Thanks for the laugh.
I will be back for more.