Monday, January 11, 2010

OK Weekly: Special Delivery From Hell


Someone sent OK Weekly to me. It came sometime after my birthday with no card or other kind of identification, so I assumed it was a one time deal. I figured the publisher was looking to hook another reader by sending me a free magazine or two--just enough to make me realize how desperately I needed it--and then I'd subscribe. A couple weeks later, the publisher did call... hoping to get me to subscribe to OK Weekly, plus 4 other magazines (Underwater Creatures for the kids? Don't forget Sports Illustrated for your man!) which I ultimately refused. Jed's Sports Illustrated already comes to him every week--it is just called Entertainment Weekly. Anyway, after I declined their generous $20/month offer, I figured my days of OK Weekly were over.

But here we are in the second week of January (my birthday is in July, but you knew that), and my subscription is still going strong. I cannot think of anyone who would send it to me; I've asked my family members, and everyone swears it wasn't them. Weekly magazines are generally kind of pricey, so I can't think of many friends or neighbors with that much dedication to my leisure time. So I've pretty much decided on Satan. Satan is sending me the mags.

The Devil loves OK Weekly! He does, I swear! He also loves In Touch, US Weekly and Vouge. Because have you ever read any of those magazines and felt totally awesome about yourself afterward? No, you haven't. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy myself a good celebrity gossip rag every so often: on a plane, at the beach, on vacation--you know, where I am expected to be lazy and idle. But when the magazine comes every week and they start piling up in the bathroom (covers down, lest anyone know I'm a subscriber) and you know more about Jessica Simpson's love life than you do about your next door neighbor, then you feel just a little bit, well... trashy (but did you know Jessica's dating Billy Corgan? Yes, that Billy Corgan. Of the Smashing Pumpkins).

Take for example the past two issues touting a new baby for Kendra! and Kendra's weight loss secrets! First of all--I am pleased to tell you I did not know who Kendra was. Is she so well known that she is already on first name basis with the world, like Madonna and Prince (Sorry--I don't have a prince symbol on my keyboard)? Well, from what I've gathered, Kendra was a playboy model and is now married to a football player. She is ready to be a "Hot Mama, Fast!" after having a baby a month ago. And OK Weekly is going to dish-up her secrets. Thank Heaven!!!

Like I said: Satan. Sending me maternity secrets from a playboy model. Can't wait for next week's issue: "What I look for in a mistress: hints on how to sneak around" by Tiger Woods.

So... if I pass these along when I'm finished scouring them, does that make me a devil too?

17 comments:

jed said...

3 things:

1. billy corgan can still get any woman he wants.
2. ty burell is the funniest man on television. maybe the funniest human.
3. i've always wondered why my sports illustrated had so little to do with actual sports.

Pink Slippers said...

OK....I found your blog via blogs. And I must say I TOTALLY agree with you about who is sending you that magazine. And getting tips.....what has the world come to. Just a note: I had no idea who she was either. I'm so happy {not} that I do now.
Wendy
Mommy to 7. 9 and under.

Wells said...

ok, jayne, i finally confess. couldn't think of a better birthday gift for my beloved SIL! :-)

Kimba said...

i had this same thing happen to me at our last rental home, except our satan was the previous owners. i let her know she had forgotten to forward her OK! subscription, and she said to just keep it, it only had a few months left. it was SUCH a guilty pleasure, but i also wasn't too sad when it ended. :)

Sarah Burgoyne said...

I would like to thank the person who signed you up because I really enjoyed the one about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart that you kindly saved for me :) So did my sister-in-law who read it while I was staying at her house. I must admit though I probably wouldn't want to get in every week. I, like Jed, will stick to my Entertainment Weekly.

Sarah Burgoyne said...

P.S. I must admit that I totally new who Kendra was. I'm feeling kind of dirty now.

Tamsin said...

Our phone company decided that my husband would just love a free subscription to Esquire magazine. And boy, did they know what they were talking about! He loves it so much it goes into the recycling every month without so much as a glance inside the cover.

Kim said...

Oh Jayne, I have to admit that I am in LOVE with smut TV (aka reality TV). You see, it all started with The Real World in college and it's been downhill ever since. I have kept up with the Kardashians, I met the Girls Next Door, I loved Ozzy and his family, the Bachelor(ette), The Hills, The City, oh my gosh it's an illness! Just in case you ever just need a quick glance at what is happening on reality TV, just watch The Soup on E!. You will be officially caught up. Oh and Kendra was not really a Playboy model; she shacked up with Hef and moved in. Of all the useless knowledge in the world, I specialize in this. Oh the shame.

c jane said...

congratulations, this may be your best post yet.

ali said...

all this dirty smut ends up adding 5 dollars extra onto my grocery bill because I just can't pass up news about how Elin is coping or seeing real life celebrities caught on camera with cellulite on their bums.

it's totally satan. and he's got me with his flaxen cords. help............

Stopher and Nicolle said...

my husband took way too many classes in psyche and there is some neurological "thing" (pardon my quotes but i am not a doctor) that says why we love to know about celebrities and why so many people know more personal details about them. he enlightened me of this fact while shopping at target this previous saturday. thanks, mr. brady. but it's scientific...so that's cool...i guess.

Tanya and Colin said...

Agreed!

Janssen said...

Happily, I know more about your next door neighbors than I do about Jessica Simpson's love life.

Sadly, I probably know more about Jessica Simpson's love life than I do about MY next door neighbors.

Anonymous said...

I think whoever sent you the OK Magazine is the same person who decided to send Seventeen Magazine to my 70 something year old father, Jayne's cute grandfather. He has returned it and returned it still in its plastic packaging but it keeps on coming.
L
Jayne, you made me chuckle. Its funny because you pass them on to me sometimes 'cause you know that I will look at them. :)

Ashley Thalman said...

@Jed- Why would Mr Corgan want Jessica Simpson? Sick.

I love this post so much and could very well write one of my own on similarly infuriating topics.

Amy said...

You crack me up. I hate that I care even a tiny bit about the lives of people that do nothing other than make headlines for being trashy. Seriously. I started getting Self magazine, and while it tends to be a teensy bit more on the health side, I still feel like downing a box of chocolate after seeing the cover. That can't be good for me, ya think?

Grizzly Girl said...

You are hilarious! I am so going to follow you!