OK Weekly: Special Delivery From Hell
Someone sent OK Weekly to me. It came sometime after my birthday with no card or other kind of identification, so I assumed it was a one time deal. I figured the publisher was looking to hook another reader by sending me a free magazine or two--just enough to make me realize how desperately I needed it--and then I'd subscribe. A couple weeks later, the publisher did call... hoping to get me to subscribe to OK Weekly, plus 4 other magazines (Underwater Creatures for the kids? Don't forget Sports Illustrated for your man!) which I ultimately refused. Jed's Sports Illustrated already comes to him every week--it is just called Entertainment Weekly. Anyway, after I declined their generous $20/month offer, I figured my days of OK Weekly were over.
But here we are in the second week of January (my birthday is in July, but you knew that), and my subscription is still going strong. I cannot think of anyone who would send it to me; I've asked my family members, and everyone swears it wasn't them. Weekly magazines are generally kind of pricey, so I can't think of many friends or neighbors with that much dedication to my leisure time. So I've pretty much decided on Satan. Satan is sending me the mags.
The Devil loves OK Weekly! He does, I swear! He also loves In Touch, US Weekly and Vouge. Because have you ever read any of those magazines and felt totally awesome about yourself afterward? No, you haven't. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy myself a good celebrity gossip rag every so often: on a plane, at the beach, on vacation--you know, where I am expected to be lazy and idle. But when the magazine comes every week and they start piling up in the bathroom (covers down, lest anyone know I'm a subscriber) and you know more about Jessica Simpson's love life than you do about your next door neighbor, then you feel just a little bit, well... trashy (but did you know Jessica's dating Billy Corgan? Yes, that Billy Corgan. Of the Smashing Pumpkins).
Take for example the past two issues touting a new baby for Kendra! and Kendra's weight loss secrets! First of all--I am pleased to tell you I did not know who Kendra was. Is she so well known that she is already on first name basis with the world, like Madonna and Prince (Sorry--I don't have a prince symbol on my keyboard)? Well, from what I've gathered, Kendra was a playboy model and is now married to a football player. She is ready to be a "Hot Mama, Fast!" after having a baby a month ago. And OK Weekly is going to dish-up her secrets. Thank Heaven!!!
Like I said: Satan. Sending me maternity secrets from a playboy model. Can't wait for next week's issue: "What I look for in a mistress: hints on how to sneak around" by Tiger Woods.
So... if I pass these along when I'm finished scouring them, does that make me a devil too?