Sunday, March 07, 2010

 Married to an Old Man


Yesterday I was looking at my blog and a new picture had replaced my family under gave up my dreams of pop-stardom for...  I knew I had seen this new picture before but could not remember where.  I argued with Jed; swearing that he used it in a hearing center site he designed, and him swearing that he'd certainly remember it if he had.  Then it came to me.  I saw it on my friend Jason's Valentine post.  I am still baffled as to how it got on my blog, and it only showed up on my browser--not Jed's (yeah, we have separate browsers, what's it to you?).

But the photo, an older man hugging a little boy, was ironic because it represented something I've been thinking a lot about lately.  See, I'm a little concerned that Jed is an old man in a 31 year old body.  I guess I should have seen it all along.  When I met him in high school, he'd wear polyester pants (that are made to look like jeans) that he purchased at Savers (no doubt donated from the daughter of a deceased older man) and had poker nights with friends who also wore similar apparel.  He knew all the words to the Music Man and could sing tunes from every other musical.  

Somehow the old-manness of these behaviors were masked by his charm and good looks.  But in recent trips to the grocery store, he has come home with staples including Pero and non-dairy hazelnut creamer.  He has mastered the mixture--which sometimes includes sugar-free hot chocolate--and sips it as we watch Hulu together.  It wasn't that weird that he told me after every cup, and there are a lot of them, how fantastic the mixture is, but when I found out he was tweeting about Pero, I started to get concerned.  

And then I found Reisen in his desk drawer.  You know, Reisen, those dark chocolate candies (that are actually kind of tasty) that only old men buy?  Jed had them in his desk.  And when I dug a little further, I found a Toffifay bar too.  My cousin once bought a Toffifay candy bar in high school when we stopped off for treats.  We've never let her live it down.  Because Toffifay, like those Cherry cordial balls and Neccos are candies we all pass over and wonder who in their right mind buys them.  Now we know: Jed.  

You know I'm a candy connoisseur--there isn't much I don't like.  But some candy is kind of a waste to eat.  Why eat Neccos when you could eat Hot Tamales?  If you're going to eat sugar (there's a rumor going around that it's not very good for you!), why not eat something awesome instead of mediocre? Yesterday Jed came home with those sugar coated jelly bunny things.  The big chunky ones that are colorful--you know the ones.  I call them "gross candies."  Not that I won't eat them, they are, after all, candy.  They're just grosser than other candies.   I could totally picture them in little bowls on a grandparent's table next to the jelly beans and Werther's Original.  

He has also been known to pick Dee's Restaurant (similar to Denny's) when given an option, checks out Opera CDs from the library, purchased a Neil Diamond CD and owns about 75 big fatty ties. The man is 31.  What happens when a young man who is already old, really gets old?  Should I be worried?  

It's good we don't have a working TV, he just might discover MASH or Perry Mason.  

31 comments:

junioraudio said...

i knew he was an old man in disguise, but i just thought it was because he was grizzled and bitter

Kim said...

I was thinking of all these wise cracking comments to write while reading this blog. Something along the lines of, my husband is also and oldie in a 30's body; wearing his pj's pulled so high, just like his grandpa. But I was distracted, so very distracted, by the last and final sentence in your post. No working TV? We have 6 tv's and it's just the 2 of us. How do you keep up with Days of our Lives, Cougar Town, CSI, Law & Order (all of them!)? How about The Office? Not to mention all of your favorite reality shows like Kendra (I know you love her) and Keeping up with the Kardashians? Food Network no more? That is up there in my shocking truths about Jaynie Wells. Still #1-no cell phone, which means no texting. Gasp!

megan said...

Ok, Jayne, you have some valid points. But MASH is my favorite show, and I have always loved Reisen and Werthers. Much better candies than gummy stuff (except hot tamales). Sorry.

But Pero? Really, Jed? I still remember the taste of my grandpa's Pero. Coffee wannabe with a bad aftertaste. But, whatever.

western dave said...

Reisens are the best. candy. ever. true story.

Zach and Codi said...

LOVE THIS POST!! Except for the fact that it gave me the realization that I might have an old woman inside me as well. As Jed knows, I grew up in a home with an avid pero drinker/Neil Diamond lover/weird candy-food purchaser. Whenever we opened the treat cabinet (yeah, my parents are that cool, makes you wish you had come to my house more often doesn't it?) you could always tell when my dad had been to Big Lots and found some "great finds". I didn't think the old soul gene had been passed on to me but after much consideration I'm proud to say.... I love Matlock, and can't wait for the day when I can finally attend both a Tom Jones and Neil Diamond concert!! After all..... a Diamond is forever!!

Megan said...

Sounds like my grandpa. Except my grandpa only knows the first line of every musical song "76 trombones..." and then he sings it over and over. Tell Jed to try that.

My dad stopped drinking pero when I had a total breakdown as a 6 year old and told him that it was against the word of wisdom and he was going to hell. Sure looked like coffee... Anyway, he stopped. Avoiding the very appearance of evil, you know. Maybe you could put Hazel up to something like that.

megan said...

Well, I feel dumb. I just realized as I was doing dishes that the awful drink my grandpa liked was Postum, not Pero. So I take back my comment.

Josh said...

Jayne - I have your back. When Jed tweeted about Pero I immediately tweeted back that my dead grandpa's ghost had possessed his account. He is an old man.

Sue said...

This is a GOOD thing. When he does get truly old, you won't even notice it!

=)

emily k. smith said...

a) neccos
b) neil diamond
c)MASH

I love them all. I am officially offended Jayniemoon. Officially.

jed (the defendant) said...

the appearance of evil... if there's no pero in heaven, i'm not going. and if drinking pero on earth will keep me out, problem solved.

@megan, they stopped making postum (or at least selling it in UT) and that's why i'm strictly a pero drinker. i used to switch it up some, because the postum was cheaper and had a different consistency. but the truth is, pero was always better. it's much like the orzo i had in italy that started me down this advanced aging path. c'mon, josh, you know orzo is magic.

Kimba said...

What about those nasty Circus Peanuts? Does he like those? If so, it's settled. An old man.

Maybe he's like Benjamin Button?

bethanne said...

My sister-in-law called it the Mormon Mocha. I remember thinking my mom was getting back to her roots with the postum at night. I remember seeing that they were discontinuing Postum because they didn't sell it anywhere but Utah. I am with Emily though, Mash is rad! And really who doesnt love belting along with Neil to Sweet Caroline while they are cleaning their house? The Necco part,eeehhhhhkkk, I thought those were made for gingerbread house roofing material.

jayniemoon said...

Ha, you all proved we all have a little oldie oldsen in us(but still not as much as Jed). I didn't say there was anything wrong with that y'all, I myself noted that Reisen were tasty (I ate a lot of Jed's once I found them in his drawer).

And I still know some of the actions to my 5th grade rendition of "We're Coming to America". Neil is pretty sweet--but I tell you who is better, Willie Nelson. Don't you tell me he's not.

And I've actually never seen a full episode of MASH, though, by the sound of things, I'm missing out.

Now get back to bed it's past 9:30.

jayniemoon said...

P.S. Josh, funniest tweet ever. I knew I could always count on you.

Jen said...

Jed has always marched to the beat of a different drum. Sure, sometimes he is off-beat, but that is why he is so likeable. I could say the same about you. I am so excited to try the pero mixture- hazelnut creamer is my favorite thing to put in my morning oatmeal!

Jayne you are an awesome writer- I am laughing out loud.

Lisa said...

He and old man Topher Clark can hang out together and complain about stuff in their cardigans.

Anonymous said...

You can raid Jed's stashes for Parley's bucket next time!! I just realized that Parley's bucket is kind of like Charlie Bucket! :) You can always sing "Cheer up Parley" to him. But, he will probably hate it like your brother did.
Mom

megan said...

Jed, I might be tempted to try Pero now. I don't always want hot chocolate at night, and I certainly don't always want caffeine at night. Maybe it's better than postum to me. Just maybe though.

Jordan said...

I also drink Pero with Hazelnut creamer AND I LOVE Neccos. Am I an old woman in a 32-year-old body? Weird.

Anita Cramer Wells said...

jayne, how do you think i feel now being married to his older-by-a-decade brother? looking for the bifocals as i type...

jed said...

@megan, it's all in the mix. i use 1 tsp of pero (heaping) with 1.5 tsp sugar and 1-2 tsp creamer. that way it comes out tasting something like toffee. so crazy good.

and if jordan is drinking it, you know it's okay, if not totally rad.

Rachel Young said...

My husband is also an avid pero drinker (although he prefers half and half as a creamer). He wants a buick, eats "gross" candy, drives below the speed limit ("it's a 'limit' after all") and his favorite show is "My 3 Sons". You're not alone, although I didn't have the poly pants as a warning sign. My situation is pure bait and switch ;) You are a funny gal, Jayne!

Kim said...

I mentioned Pero to Kevin and he said, "only the best drink EVER"! Who is this man I married? They do not even sell it locally. He said they sell it in PA. His grandparents drink it. Hilarious!
They like Mash and Perry Mason too. :)

Teachinfourth said...

Wait, are you saying that there's something wrong with Neil Diamond? What is wrong with you, girl?

I do feel somewhat sorry for you that you've not watched MASH before--top of the line entertainment if you asked me. Of course, I'd be willing to lend you any of the first 8 seasons on DVD as I do have them all...

Sarah Camilla said...

M*A*S*H was a 10:40 pm ritual in our home e-v-e-r-y night. I've watched them all and could probably quote some of the funnier lines.
Riesen, sigh...the caramel covered in dark chocolate. I fell in love with them in Germany where the word means "gigantic or enormous" and was delighted when I found them here after I came home. Thankfully I do not indulge very often or I would be, as they say "riesen gross."
Thanks Jayne and Jed for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I have the same problem!
-Lucy

Carolyne said...

I hardly ever comment, but this post was too funny!

Oh dear, Necco? I love Necco anything. Well, unless it's those terrible sweethearts they introduced this past Valentine's Day. I was thoroughly disappointed, although my husband said they finally didn't taste like caloric chalk.

But, you are definitely right about those terrible bunny candies. My husband and I had a lengthy discussion the other night about them. We both wondered who possibly could buy such wastes of calories.

Josh said...

Now I am curious...liquid creamer or powdered creamer?

I do remember Orzo...and it was good.

I do love a great cardigan.

sarah and james said...

This post has me smiling from the start, but when I hit the "reisen" remarks I was laughing out loud. don't worry jed I shop at savers too and like old people.

Bart said...

I spent a summer in Chicago at my uncle's house. Every night after dinner I'd reach into the cupboard, pull out at least one Reisen to live. Love those things.

And pero? I can't say for certain, but I think the Grahams introduced me to that stuff at a sleep-over in elementary school. Maybe not. Is memory loss a sign that I, too, can be an old man like Jed?