In May of this year, I entered an essay contest sponsored by Similac baby formula. The essay was to be 130 words or less and decribe the duties of a mother. The prize: $130,000.
I didn't win. That wasn't surprising as I never win anything. The judging criteria was based on creativity and originality, and, of course, chosing appropriate duties of a mother. I came across the winning essay on the web at the end of August. I have posted my essay along with the winning essay below. I have decided to have my own contest. You will be the judge. Please read both essays and when you choose mine, send me $130,000.
Establish stimulating environment to encourage mental, physical, and emotional development. Interpret non-verbal communication. Manage conflicting expert advice. Plan, prepare, and serve frequent nutritious meals. Maintain safe, sanitary surroundings. Dispose of contaminated waste. Bathe child, clean surfaces. Coordinate and launder clothing. Neutralize injury hazards. Oversee medical care. Provide safe transportation. Carefully administer medication and comfort. Track growth and document milestones. Provide infinite love and patience. Nurture a sense of security but foster independence and responsibility. Model appropriate behavior. No experience necessary. Multitasking required. Insomnia a plus. Compensation is substantial but
Hardworking laborers needed!
No experience necessary. No degree required. 24 hour shift (on call graveyard).
Must be able to lift and carry up to 25 lbs. all day.
Must remain calm under stress. Exhaustion expected. Will get wet.
Housekeeping experience helpful. Cooking skills preferred.
No sick/holiday/vacation leave. Salary $0. Non-negotiable.
Main duties include (but are not limited to):
feeding, clothing, diapering, bathing, reading, singing,
bouncing, rocking, wiping, cuddling, teaching,
calming, pretending, juggling, shielding, curing,
consoling, chasing, convincing, disciplining, protecting and
Competitive benefit package to include: wet kisses,
toothless grins, heartfelt serenading, unprofessional comedy, indescribable love.
Now make a decision.
Did you choose #1? Well aren't you something. So did the Similacians. See if I ever choose YOUR essay.
Did you choose #2? Send me $130,000. Well, what's your problem? Isn't it only fair?
Thanks for helping out with the contest (unless you chose #1). Please check back often to see how you might be of assistance in another contest. The next big giveaway? A charcoal grey '95 Toyota Corolla!