Thursday, September 28, 2006

In May of this year, I entered an essay contest sponsored by Similac baby formula. The essay was to be 130 words or less and decribe the duties of a mother. The prize: $130,000.
I didn't win. That wasn't surprising as I never win anything. The judging criteria was based on creativity and originality, and, of course, chosing appropriate duties of a mother. I came across the winning essay on the web at the end of August. I have posted my essay along with the winning essay below. I have decided to have my own contest. You will be the judge. Please read both essays and when you choose mine, send me $130,000.

Essay #1
Establish stimulating environment to encourage mental, physical, and emotional development. Interpret non-verbal communication. Manage conflicting expert advice. Plan, prepare, and serve frequent nutritious meals. Maintain safe, sanitary surroundings. Dispose of contaminated waste. Bathe child, clean surfaces. Coordinate and launder clothing. Neutralize injury hazards. Oversee medical care. Provide safe transportation. Carefully administer medication and comfort. Track growth and document milestones. Provide infinite love and patience. Nurture a sense of security but foster independence and responsibility. Model appropriate behavior. No experience necessary. Multitasking required. Insomnia a plus. Compensation is substantial but

Essay #2
Hardworking laborers needed!
No experience necessary. No degree required. 24 hour shift (on call graveyard).
Must be able to lift and carry up to 25 lbs. all day.
Must remain calm under stress. Exhaustion expected. Will get wet.
Housekeeping experience helpful. Cooking skills preferred.
No sick/holiday/vacation leave. Salary $0. Non-negotiable.

Main duties include (but are not limited to):
feeding, clothing, diapering, bathing, reading, singing,
bouncing, rocking, wiping, cuddling, teaching,
calming, pretending, juggling, shielding, curing,
consoling, chasing, convincing, disciplining, protecting and
guiding children.

Competitive benefit package to include: wet kisses,
toothless grins, heartfelt serenading, unprofessional comedy, indescribable love.

Now make a decision.

Did you choose #1? Well aren't you something. So did the Similacians. See if I ever choose YOUR essay.

Did you choose #2? Send me $130,000. Well, what's your problem? Isn't it only fair?

Thanks for helping out with the contest (unless you chose #1). Please check back often to see how you might be of assistance in another contest. The next big giveaway? A charcoal grey '95 Toyota Corolla!


dave said...

Would $130,000.00 bring you joy? If not, it will to me.

Linds said...

Did Katie write Essay #1? She seems to win everything....

mama lisa said...

All I can say is that essay #2 had me laughing outloud this morning and I think essay #1 should win the 95 Toyota! I'll pay the prize money to you, will just have to be in installment payments over the next 30 years.

jayniemoon said...

Thanks mom, I knew you'd pull through. Maybe dad can make up an amnertization schedule for you.

Linds, I never considered that Katie could've written that you've got me thinking. I think she has hidden the fact that she has an extra $130,000. She's invested it! Bet your bones she'll still bring A+ soda to the shower! Darn Katie--always winning!

Josh said...

Hey Jayne - It's Josh Bingham. I found your blog through an old message you posted on my blog and found it delightful, so thanks. Email me (or have your husband do it.) I'd love to catch up with you guys and here what's going on in your lives and promise to "get together soon" even though with 4 kids between us, so who are we kidding? I miss you guys!