Sunday, May 17, 2009

Insert child, do NOT insert money.



My kids are the kids that sit on those "ride on" cars or carousel toys while they're stationary and think they're getting a special treat.  Mom stopped making them shop and let them sit on the toys.  They sit there, happily turning the steering wheel and making car noises.  Then, just as I'm convincing them to get back into the cart (it will only be a few more minutes!) another mom or, more likely, grandma, shows up with her two dolled up kids and feeds the machine two quarters. My kids' heads turn immediately to see where the special music is coming from.  What? These toys move?! Suddenly, I am not the awesome mom, letting the kids sit on the riding toys, I am the mean mom who doesn't have quarters to make them move.  At this point, there is no more shopping.  There is only fighting, crying and bribing.  

Moms, I swear we could  make each others' lives easier if we'd just work together.  So, let's all pretend those machines are broken.  I won't put any quarters in, and your kids won't know they really work.  Then, when I'm around, you won't put your quarters in, and we'll all have kids that are content to just steer.  

I know we need to give grandmas a little leeway.  Grandmas, you can put quarters in, but ONLY when no other kids around.  We need to keep up the facade here.  It can be kind of a magic power that only grandmas can get the machines to work.  So, when someone else's grubby kids are playing on the grimy toys and they are NOT moving, shuffle your beauties ("my grandkids are cuter than yours!") over to the McDonalds and get them an ice cream till the other little pests are gone.  Then use that retirement money (bragger) on those painted metal toys.

But moms, oh moms.  Why do we make each others' lives so challenging?  Let's make stained shirts the new thing!  It's hip to have ketchup on your sleeve!  Think of the time we could save instead of spotting so much laundry!  Grease is awesome!  Mustard baby poop stain?  Cool! Are you in?

Oh, and one more thing.  Ice cream truck: Music truck. (you catching on?)

16 comments:

Sarah Burgoyne said...

You need to move to Colorado, the grocery store we frequent the most has a horse that only costs a penny, and get this... the store provides the pennies! In fact its the only grocery store with a riding toy, really can't beat that :)

Ginna said...

I am SO with you on those toys! Poor Max, it took him many years to realize they're actually supposed to move and make noise. And I'm quite unhappy with those other moms that come and ruin it too. NOT COOL.
And ice cream truck=music truck? SO brilliant!

Carly said...

I'm de-lurking to say AMEN. I'm sick of those perfect moms with clean, privileged children. They make my life so hard. I am with you on the toys, the music truck, and especially the stains. Thanks, Jayne.

Megs said...

yes yes yes to all of it. I actually declined a quarter once that somebody offered so that Maggie could ride the dumb airplane. I didn't want her to know it moved. so much easier that way.

we were at the play land in the draper carl's jr. DON'T GO THERE. It was like a Gap Kid's fashion show. Who did those mom's think they were?

Lisa said...

DIDN'T SHE SEE YOUR EYES. YOU KNOW. THE CODE FOR "WE PRETEND THIS DOESN'T MOVE, SO COULD YOU GO AWAY FOR JUST A MINUTE WHILE I PUT MY PEEPS IN THE CART AND GO AWAY?", LOOK.

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN IN A FUNK, OR DESPERATE TO QUIET HER KIDS.

HOPE SHE DOESN'T NEED YOUR HELP SOME DAY.

HUGS FROM MAINE

emze said...

Hmmm... I don't know Jayne, I'll have to think about this. I like making other people feel bad about their parenting skills. I constantly keep quarters on hand just for that reason. I always bring extra capri suns to play group so that Parley will like me best. And I only buy name brand clothes for my kids so I can teach them early that they are superior to other kids simply because of what they wear.

So I'll consider your proposal but I am not guaranteeing anything.

Wells said...

I so agree Jayne! And you put it so well.

Nicole said...

So funny and true!! My boys didn't know the ice cream truck wasn't really a "music" truck until earlier this year.

Mandy said...

I'm in! :) Those toys are only for 'pretending!'

My kids are almost always in clothes with a stain of SOME sort! And their hair? Straight in the air! :)

Adrienne said...

I am not above putting the kibosh on that uppity mom with her uppity quarters by preempting her as she approaches: "Oh, you know what? It's broken. Yep, it doesn't go." That's okay, right? And the stained clothing...now who's to say that stain didn't just barely happen that day? Like, you started out with all pristine clothing, but then whoops, then you had a real real messy lunch, and darn it, now those perfect clothes are a little stained. It's possible.

ali said...

one of the biggest temper tantrums i've had to endure was caused by one of those "cool" moms that put a quarter in for her kid right as I had taken jack out and was walking away the hero. hero to zero in seconds!

I am all for pretending. and I'm all for stained clothes and diapers in public. in fact, jack just peed his pants today at disneyland and I, the unprepared mother that I am, didn't have a change of clothes. So, we just stripped him down to his skivvies and hung his shorts out to dry on our stroller. Then he continued to wear them for the rest of the day. nas-TAY!

I would have preferred for him to go naked, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Jayne didn't know that anything like that moved until Ashley Timms put a quarter in the vertical merry go round at Chuckie Cheese when Jayne was about 16 and got stuck in the kiddie chair. Then to make it worse, Ashley kept putting quarters in to see Jayne squirm as the chair went half way up and back down because it wouldn't go all the way around, being that it was a chair meant for a 2-6 year old child. Hehe! Oh that was a funny trick Ashley! We almost wet OUR pants laughing "with" or was it "at" Jaynie! The security guy didn't laugh much though when he told her she needed to get out because she was too big for the ride and we reported that she COULD NOT get out...she was stuck!(Doy!) Ok, just one more quarter Ashley.....Ha!
Then Dave to the rescue to lift Jayne up and out of the chair with a lot of effort.
Its one of my favorite stories to this day. What a great sport!
Muth

Marilyn said...

(Hi Jayne, it's Marilyn (Nelson), it was nice seeing you at the temple the other day and then I found your blog---what a cute family you have!)

I love this post. We managed to keep our oldest thinking for the first three years of his life that the treats people give you at the bank or the grocery store, were just "toys." "Oh, a TOY!" we would say as the cashier handed over some Smarties. "How fun, you can PLAY with it!" and he'd dutifully play with it until it got boring and we threw it out. Unfortunately this trick hasn't worked with our subsequent kids, since Abe can now reveal to the others what is food (esp. candy) and what isn't.

Nicole Beck said...

Jayne,
I always knew you were a mother after my own heart. We sit in the (non-quarter fed) toys too, and pretend they do cool things. We call the ice-cream truck the "music" truck as well. I'm not sure the stained shirt will ever catch on, but I'm willing to give it a try ;)

Teachinfourth said...

Still laughing...

c jane said...

This is officially the best post you've ever written.